you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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