I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
