How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
