alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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