I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
