i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize