I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
