the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
