i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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