theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Randomize