3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
