I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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