I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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