is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
