I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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