What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
