So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
