Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
