ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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