I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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