We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
