I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My cat gives me a boner
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
