I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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