..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
