fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I could make wine with my vomit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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