i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
