Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
