You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
