There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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