at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
