How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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