you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
