Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
