I want to walk on stilts...naked
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
