the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
