Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
