i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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