this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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