Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
