xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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