Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
