yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
