He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
