I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
