I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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