Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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