Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
