he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
