youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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