I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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