you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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