Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
