i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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