Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize