Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
