My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
