plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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