when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
