Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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