I feel like abortions should bother me more
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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