Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Randomize
