What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
