The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
