i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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